I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
