hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
