Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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