i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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