Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
