i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
