There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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