Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
