Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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