8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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