11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I had to cum in my sink.
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