I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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