I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im six kinds of drunk right now
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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