You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
