i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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