true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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