i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize