She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
