He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
the raccoons are back...
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