My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
