Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
