she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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