It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
