There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
OPIZZABONMYDICK
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
