??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
