The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
