dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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