Do you still have your period?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
