Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize