why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
