Im at strip club and am horny
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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