Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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