I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize