So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
