The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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