i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
