Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
