Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
