apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
