Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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