Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
