:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
