The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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