I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize