You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
too bad you live with your parents still
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
