I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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