i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
