so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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