If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
