Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
