you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
