just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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