i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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