You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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