I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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