Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
