I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
