i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the condom got lost in my hair
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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