I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
