they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
