Don't you send me to vm
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize