I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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