half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize