Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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