2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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